This Surreal Time

This week has been rather surreal.  The birth of my baby.  My second girl.  My 7th homebirth.  My 7th child.

Wow. What a wonderful, blessed time.

Which seemed to all come crashing down mid-week with doctor visits and diagnosis.

It’s been a wild ride, one that has only just begun.

But I know who’s in control of this ride and I’m ok.  There’s a reason for this.  I haven’t a clue just what it is, but He does, and I’m ok with that.

The thing is, I know we will encounter folks along the way who think we made the wrong decisions.  People who are ignorant, in the true sense of the word – without facts/knowledge and want to blame our non-mainstream beliefs for the condition of my child.

But those people are wrong.  That’s all there is to it.

They may say “If you’d had proper prenatal care this wouldn’t have happened”  Sorry to say, prenatal care has nothing to do with this condition.  No amount of care would have prevented this. No amount of peeing in that little cup would have prevented my baby from being born with spina bifida.  No amount of leafy greens.  No magic number of apples.  Nothing.

“If you’d had proper prenatal care and an ultrasound, you would have known” Yeah, so, and then what?  They only do in utero surgery occasionally, that is not common occurrence.  And even at that, really, TWO surgeries is ideal? I think not.

Or option two: I would have known and could have opted to end this precious life.  This blessing from the Lord.  That’s not gonna happen.

So, would the ultrasound have prepared me?  To an extent.  But then I still would have seen her, in the flesh, in my arms.  Beautiful, precious, tiny, breathing, real.  And then have seen the swelling, in the flesh, and would have been taken aback all over again.

And then we would have gone to a doctor who would run us through the same gammut of tests and these same emotions would have run amuck.  We’d still be on this road.  This surreal and seemingly lonely road.

“If you’d had the baby in the hospital they would have known right away” Yeah, so? What does that change? I’d still be on the same road.  Only they would have wisked my newborn baby out of my arms, run all these tests as an emergency, without me.  It could have been several hours before I got to see her or hold her again.

Or, having had an ultrasound that showed it..which, there’s no guarantee one would have, but IF the ultrasound did reveal the cyst…the doctors/hospital may not have let me birth her vaginally.  Forcing me into a c-section. Repeat above scenario of child being ripped from me, taken away for an indefinite period of time, interrupting our bonding time, our nursing time, quite possibly killing that whole interaction, that whole relationship that is so important for her development.

Could I have chosen a different route? Yes.  But I’d be on this same road.  I’d still be right here, in this hospital room with a baby with spina bifida.  Nothing would have changed that outcome, but God alone.

So I am confident in my choice to stay on MY path.  The path my family previously decided to use.  The one less traveled. The one off the beaten path.  The one without lots of assistance.  The one laid before us by God.

He may not lay a similar path before you, and that’s ok.  But this is what He has laid before us, we have chosen to obey and follow Him, wherever that may lead.  We are confident, we are comfortable and we are blessed.

We have 7 children. Seven beautiful children.  One just happens to have spina bifida.  Just as one of yours may have autism, or diabetes, or a freckle on their right pinky toe. Our choices in prenatal care or life in general did not determine these things in our children…God did.  And I don’t know about you, but I’m ok with that.  He knows a hell of a lot better than I do what’s best for me and mine.  He has a plan.  And we all know He doesn’t reveal that plan too many pages at a time, often times, it’s only word by word.  So, I will take this plan of His, each word as I receive it and I will keep on. Trusting in His sovereign plan.  Loving my babies, all 7 of them.